Confessional: Guadelupe Maria del Rosario Garza aka Rosa Loteria

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Confessional: Guadelupe Maria del Rosario Garza aka Rosa Loteria

Hey America! Rosa again.

There’s...okay, so much stuff’s happened. Mr. Berman said I should just start at the beginning and they’d cut what they need to, so here goes....

It’s a whole lot of getting picked.

Yeah, I know, I pick cards all the time. But I don’t shuffle through my deck face up and go Ooh, okay, her. I could use this one. I mean yeah, I do that, but that’s just strategy, that’s not how my power works. When I pick a card, I pick blind, and just deal with what I get.

Other people, it’s different. Like back when DB asked me out. Other girls are going Oh no, he’s a player and Cleo’s all Boo hoo! He used me and threw me away! Along with some nice bling, I might add. But hey, he’s hot, he’s rich, he’s popular, and he picked me. We had a good time. Part of why we had a good time was because I didn’t have any expectations. I’m not some telenovela Ugly Betty thinking just because she gets a date with a Takisian Prince, he’s gonna whisk her away to his castle beyond the stars. I’m Rosa Loteria, I’m an ace, and while I kind of like DB, I’m not gonna follow him around and be the chick with the tambourine.

But hey, sometimes it’s nice to get picked.

Curveball and Stuntman did the same with me last week, and it’s not hard to see why. She’s Ms. Offense, he’s Mr. Defense, and they needed someone who could do everything they couldn’t do if they just bought her some time. And hey, they picked right because we won.

Block party with my family? Best thing ever. Got to see people I hadn’t seen since my Quinceañera, ’cause you gotta remember, that’s when I turned my card, and I walked out halfway through the party. Bootsie–that’s my nickname for La Bota–she walked me all the way to Cleveland before I drew another card, and I had a heck of a time getting back. But American Hero gave me the rest of my party, letting me come of age not just as a woman, but as an ace.

Of course we also won the chance to go up against each other, except this week’s challenge was crap. We were supposed to be fighting a bunch of terrorists, but they’re the lamest terrorists on the planet. Any of the gangs in LA could eat them for breakfast.

First we had to fight our way through a bunch of stuntmen. Fair enough except it’s not. Jamal? He’s invulnerable. They can use real ammo on him and it won’t make any difference, so they did, but they were dumb. Real terrorists would have shot him in the eyes and blinded him like they did Tiffani a few weeks ago with the paintballs, or used a net or bolas, or chopped him up with a machete and put him in different dumpsters. But these were special ed terrorists.

Then Kate goes out with a bag of Nerfballs instead of marbles and her stuntmen have paintballs instead of bullets. Fair enough. Except, you know, added bonus for Curveball, Nerfballs are bigger than marbles so she has a lot easier time blocking the paintballs.

Then there’s me, and I’ll admit I pitched a fit, ’cause this loteria deck is a family heirloom, and at the fiesta, I promised mi abuelita I’m not going to let any damn paintballs near it. So Mr. Berman says fine, he calls wardrobe and they hook us up with a lasertag rig, and that would be great except they still don’t know what cards I’m going to pick and neither do I.

So I shuffle the deck and pull out Las Cerises, ‘The Cherries.’ If these had been real terrorists, they would have been hosed. Mr. Berman is all, “What the hell is a chick in a red dress and a Minnie Pearl hat going to do?” I never heard of this puta Minnie Pearl. But I bet even if she had a straw hat with cherries on it, she couldn’t pull off a handful and have the stems light with the other sort of cherries, you know, the type you get on cigarettes.

And fuses.

I toss a bunch under some random prop crate and blow the hell out of it, and he’s all “Cherry bombs? You make cherry bombs? Do we have any prop cherries? We don’t have the demolitions expert on payroll today!” and he runs around until Cherry gets bored.

So fine, whatever. I go back to the deck and pull La Rana, ‘The Frog,’ and one of the grips goes “Look! Buford’s got a date!” and everyone starts laughing.

Hello America, did you notice the colors? I was a poison frog lady. But no way do the stuntmen want to deal with real poison, so La Rana goes back in the deck and I shuffle again.

I pull El Valiente and he calls, “Okay, any of you Hollywood pendejos have a fake knife?” and at least they have that. So he goes through the stupid gauntlet and stabs all the terrorists except the last couple. Then I’m told it’s not ‘heroic’ for El Valiente to tie up the stuntmen with his serape and hold a prop dagger to their throats until they tell him where the bomb is, ’cause they say terrorists always lie, and torture never works, and this is a family show.

Isn’t this the same network that produces 24?

Whatever. The next challenge is an obstacle course. El Valiente does fine until there are three doors with some crap written on them. They were supposed to be riddles, but here’s a riddle for America: If you were a terrorist, would it be a good idea to write crap on a door so idiots would stand there and read it while your sniper draws a bead on them?

Props to Curveball, she was thinking the same thing. She blew the hell out of those doors with her marbles, so she was quicker to find the lame maze than I was, just kicking doors down. But I mapped out the whole place in case there was something important somewhere, because, you know, if terrorists always lie, couldn’t the point of the riddle be to make us waste our time thinking about math problems instead of actually rescuing hostages?

So anyway, I finally find the hostage, and at this point I’ve pretty much given up thinking these terrorists might be smart, so the hostage can’t be a terrorist telling me crap to screw with me, and the terrorists were too stupid to just kill someone who knows where their bomb is too.

El Valiente doesn’t want to deal with any more of this crap, so when we get to the corridor with the booby traps–you know, like the stupid riddle doors could have had–I draw again and pull El Diablito. She’s a blue devil girl with a lightning bolt pitchfork, and she’s lightning quick, so I get to the bomb just in time to have it blow paint in my face.

If I hadn’t had my deck in my pocket, Mr. Berman would have needed a new ass.

So anyway, Curveball and I are both pissed, and Jamal’s sitting pretty because he thinks he’s going to get the immunity and he’s going to get to pick which of us to boot, and I get ready to kiss my ass goodbye because there’s nothing Curveball can do to hurt him, so he’d be stupid not to pick her. Then the judges give a twist – no immunity, everyone’s necks are on the chopping block, and it’s going to be the Discards are going to decide who goes.

I didn’t think Curveball would get cut. I mean, I’m not saying she’s Miss Congeniality, but there’s not much there to hate. Kate’s got a respectable power, but it’s not so kick-ass that it scares people, and it’s not something that makes them laugh either. Me? I do both, sometimes at the same time. If you get your ass handed to you by a chick in a baseball cap, you can still respect yourself in the morning. But a chick in a straw hat with exploding cherries? You’re hating life, and that doesn’t win me any popularity contests. Of course Jamal had that crap with Rusty, and if you’re indestructible, it makes you look like a whiner at best. That doesn’t win you any popularity contests either.

Next thing Tiffani’s in front of me, smirking, and she says, “I said I’d pay good money to see you under a bus.” I wanted to slap her, but I knew she’d just turn to diamond, so I said, “Yeah? Well people are going to be paying to see you under a donkey in Tijuana, puta.”

I think Wild Fox did an illusion of himself as the bassist from Joker Plague, the one who isn’t the devil dude. And I was going over to talk to Spasm, who I like, and didn’t vote against me. Then suddenly Rusty clanks around and says he’s going to Egypt to save the jokers and what the hell?

They’re going to get killed. It’s a gang war! And I know, ’cause I’ve been in them! Except those pendejos in Arabia are way more serious about it than they are in East LA, ’cause they’ve been doin’ it for centuries and they’re completely loco.

Rusty I can kind of understand. He’s a joker. They’re jokers. But he’s built like a tank and can rust tanks. And Simoon, some of those people are her family, and hey, I understand family. But the rest of them? Bubbles and Ana and Holy Roller and Hardhat and even King Cobalt? I don’t care how strong you are, you can’t wrestle an army! They all up and leave. At least they have the sense to leave Rachel behind. And then I’m crying, because I promised mi abuelita I was through with gangs, and gang wars, and I was going to Hollywood to be a reality television star and I was going to win a million dollars and no one would have to die. No one.

Then those pendejos in Egypt had to start a war.

Damn them. Damn them all to hell....

Comments

[QueenOfSpades]

Good luck with the final draw next week Rosa. I think they said that one of the Aces in Egypt died yesterday on the news. Mom has unplugged the cable, the phones, and asked BlackBox to turn on a news filter here.. so i am pretty much limited to this and a couple of sites for Emily (oh boy Disney again.. although they do have a Joker friendly policy).

Mom's been dealing with donations and stuff. She thought she was going to have to deal with some sort of strike because two of the family mines near Shamokin had a lot of miners not show up. Instead they drove down to the house and dropped off diapers, baby food, and have been giving blood donations left and right. The Red Cross says that the blood donations are going good in the area.. but they aren't going to be able to ship things until the UN secretary is released.

[Joey Z.]

Hey, I didn't know you were a Charlton Heston fan, Rosa!

Let's have a moment of silence for one of Hollywood's greats, shall we?

--Joey Z.
Groton, CT

[Thayo]

Hey

I am from Brazil but now in America and I love this show!
But I have question, what is El Bota? In Brazil this is the dolphin. You can turn into dolphin and walk across the USA?

Thanks,
Thayo,
Miami

[Radio Free Alicia]

Queen -- Jesus Christ, you're right. I just got done checking Hive's blog. That wrestler guy, King Cobalt? They killed him with a stray round. Fuck. My greatest respects to the guy, and my sympathies to his family.

We're still here, and mostly together, except for the loss of the Spaceman. There's a rumor going around about a march on the local Joker district tonight, though, so we're preparing for the worst.

[BookWyrm]

I also saw some of Hive's blog. Cobalt didn't deserve to die like that. At least he had the heart of a hero.

[Rosa Loteria]

King Cobalt? What the hell? And Bugsy says when they took off his mask, he turned back into a kid?

Crap. Well, so much for not taking kids off to war. Not that I haven't been to funerals for guys younger....

And Charlton Heston's dead too? What, did they try to get him to part the Red Sea again? The guy was too old for that!

I'm going to start crying again. I'm supposed to be stressing out about a damn gameshow, not some loco war on the other side of the planet!

Of course Bootsie could walk there if we went across the Aleutians. And I could probably swim there as El Delfin, though it would take a while.

Crap, I just came on to answer fun questions about my power, maybe talk to fans about the contest. But Thayo, 'La Bota' is 'The Boot' in Spanish, and 'El Delfin' is 'The Dolphin.' I've got both cards, but 'La Bota' is 'The Dolphin' in Brazilian? What do you speak there, Portugese? That's...

King Cobalt's dead? And he was really just a kid?

Well, that explains a lot, but...

I'm sorry, I can't write any more....

[DinosaurMan]

Hi, everyone. We are in Sudan near Nyala. I don't think we will be making it to Egypt... We flew over a small town that we were supposed to be getting fuel.. its burnt to the ground.

They killed them all.. Nat, Joker, Black, White... it didn't matter.. and some they had 'fun' with. Shit, one of the tents made me realize Sierra Leone was a play date.

I am typing on some UN Aid workers laptop. Looks like she gave her life for some kids.. we think we can stabilize most of the kids. The Janjawid remaining were just getting to them when we got here. They aren't going to hurt anymore children.

I am sending blackbox the GPS coords. We picked up some Canadian and African nat peacekeepers when we got to Liberia.. the guys are officially AWOL but going to stay here until someone can evac the wounded.. I have sent BlackBox the coordinates.

The Janjawid came from the East and look like they are going to the North to take out more places that aren't "clean" enough for them... it looks like they drew and quartered the Imam here... I won't say what they did to the Jokers or the preacher, its bad.

Anyway, I know everyone is looking at Egypt, but what the others are saying about Nigeria, Kenya etc.. its true.. a lot of people are dieing and its ugly. We are take what fuel we can get and see if we can get in front of the group... and then we will see what we can do.

Charlotte, please give my sister a kiss, and a big hug to Emily and Harry. BookWyrm, its been nice knowing ya.. sorry we didn't get to meet before I left. SeattlesBest, nope got nothing... hehe. No good luck man/woman/creature.

I am giving the laptop to the AWOL guys here cause they need it more than us. Please don't court martial them, I promise we made them get on the plane at gunpoint if that will help their case.

Capt Gravel says its time to move out becase we Jokers don't want to live forever... peace.

[BookWyrm]

Don't say your goodbyes yet, Dino. Just make sure you come home safe.

[CaptainUrquhart]

O.K.. lets see if the 8th post is the charm....

Captain Sean Urquhart, Canadian Land Forces.

My apologies for the late in getting any information out, we have been busy with incoming refugees, burying the massacred to keep the jackals or whatever is out here away, and fending off some miscreants who decided to come in and steal what was left. It was a while before Master Corporal Kelly was able to tell me that the Americans had asked him to dictate a letter and left a laptop we could use. We have been trying to use the satellite radio, but something is severely breaking it up.

This laptop seems to be using some new dish system but it is having problems, and we able to connect to this site. Well at least it has been getting the pages... posting has not worked yet. My guess is that the caliphate has some jamming done from Arabia that is messing everything up.. probably so no-one can see whats going on.

If this post gets through please send to the UN High Command and Canadian National Defense Headquarters in Ottawa.

1. I take full responsibility for my men not leaving for Canada but traveling here instead. As admirable as the Lizard said, we were not held at gunpoint. I do not wish those men to be ever branded as criminals. My men are here under my orders because I saw a need for our services and it fell within our other duties as Peacekeepers (broadly speaking.)

2. The massacre here is not the only one. The refugees have been coming from the south and east trying to get to Chad I am guessing. Each has the same story... dust storm, then Janjawid killed them. It took us a while to figure out what they meant by that as we thought they meant men with rifles or something like the bandits that attacked at sunset. They explained that was not the case.

3. We currently have pictures from a photographer who was killed here with the other aid workers. The 'things' that killed these people were not human. They were literally Janjawid, "Devils on Horseback". The only words that come to mind are the scenes that Father McMasters spoke of Revelations. Creatures on horseback tearing everything apart with others marching along taking part in the killing.

4. The refugees we have talked with say that the creatures spoke something like Arabic (but I do not know how verifiable this is) so I am guessing that the creatures are created by some Ace since the Caliphate and others do not take well to Jokers.. even useful ones.

5. The storm is headed North East. My guess is that it is going towards the Aswan Dam area that the main conflict is occurring.

6. The land that the "Storm" has passed over is parched. A well that was full yesterday according to one of the survivors here is parched dry. The wood for fires burns like paper it is so dessicated. I do not know if anyone will be able to live here for years. My guess is that this is either 1 very powerful ace or several all using their powers in conjunction. Our thanks to whoever sent over the 400 litres of water and blankets. They appeared with a bang outside of the village.. we thought we were under fire.. but it was needed. My guess is that it something from America.. but not sure.

7. We were able to hear from the plane for a while.. they said they passed over several more burning villages so this has happened to others. They said something about trying to get around a storm, and the static got too bad for us to hear anything more.

I am writing this in as much detail in case those devils swing back this way or something else comes through here. We will continue to try and upload the materials we have gotten from the camera and the testimonials recorded by Private Singer. These acts need to go to the Hague, and whoever is responsible held accountable.

Again this is Captain Sean Urquhart, Canadian Land Forces, The Royal Canadian Regiment, 1st Battalion

[Catalhoyuk]

You're not alone, DinosaurMan. Blackbox got your coordinates; we're in transit.

We managed to suppress the riot here. It took some tear gas, some powers of persuasion, and a minor hacking of the PA system used for the call to prayers to feign a slight miracle, but we managed to stop what could have been a massacre of the local Joker population. It's not going to last, of course, but a few of us are staying behind to make sure the Jokers get out of the city.

[Radio Free Alicia]

Just say the Captain's post. Shit. There's an Ace on the side of the Caliph and his amazing friends who's got the ability to conjure up the Headless Horseman and all his frat buddies? We've got to proceed with caution, then. Is there any evidence these things can be hurt, killed, or at least disrupted?

Wait, this reminds me of an incident back during the War of the Rox... yeah, here he is. Herne the Huntsman. Member of the Twisted Fists, hopped up on Celtic myth, and, if the YouTube video's to be believed, one of THE most ridiculous accents I've ever heard. According to this file on the aftermath of his rampage, he's got, among other things, the power to create horses and hounds out of raw psychic force. If these things are psychic constructs, there may be a chance they could be disrupted by other psychic powers. Not like it's a solid strategy, but anything that knocks these guys down is a good thing.

[Thayo]

Hello Rosa,

Actually in Portuguese O Boto is dolphin. Which is close word to la bota (sorry, I don't speak so much spanish, but I recognize similar words). This is the pink dolphins of the amazon. I am from Maunaus and we have tales of how this dolphin places on his head this hat and turns into a man, and come to town and seduce the women. If the baby is too pink, we know the dolphin is the father!

It is terrible to here about King Cobalt. I think he was funny to watch and I always like the Santo movies. It is surprising he was a kid. How old of a kid was he?

I hope these aces stop the murdering in Africa!

--Thayo
Miami

[BlackBox]

And we are back and broadcasting from an OC-128 with a google-plex of computers plugged into me. Wow... if this is what its like snorting coke.. I can see why people are hooked. Of course that means the crash back into meat's going to be just as bad... ugh. #2r2r99tgdfgioaru9 g #$%%^$& Wow.. ok I have to really concentrate on this post, the letters take so long to show up on the interface..

Ok the MO does sound like the Huntsman. It could be that Twisted Fist decided they didn't like someone else getting all the attention for something they did and decided to try and get their own. But where they are attacking is way outside of the press.. so I am guessing its an ace with similar powers.. these things are just constructs of our subconscious or something so beings with similar powers and looks are common. I mean I am not the only Joker who sticks electronics in them for them to work. They seem to show up a lot in Silicon Valley and such... ok this post is meandering and I need to focus on some other items.

It would seem that whatever was blocking communication in South Western Sudan has moved on. It must have been linked with the DevilSandStorm thingee because from the sat pictures there is no storm, and the Canadian unit has been able to communicate via sat phone with their superiors. I am guessing it should be better for RFA and crew to get in there now.

No word from DinoMan at the moment... thankfully there are a ton of satellites over the area right now taking pictures from Khartoum to Cairo.. I am guessing the various Euro, Chinese, Russian, American countries all want a ton of evidence to show that they had nothing to with this mess. I am trying to parse through what I have gotten so far to see if I can find where Dino is.. plus whatever else is going on.

Ok its really hard to slow down enough to output this data .. later