Week Twelve Recap
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Harlem Hammer Verdict
So now Stuntman is the first American Hero. Hurrah, mate.
Here’s the real dirt from your old pal, Digger.
I didn’t see that coming. Even at the last I was thinking Rosa had it, but there’s no predicting the fancies of the American voting public.
If Curveball had stuck with it, she would have been a shoo-in. She had it all. Looks, a really useful power, a ‘good girl’ personality that projected itself on screen; it was all there. But she left to play hero in Egypt instead. Too bad.
Kate will be one of the big aces. One of the ones you hear about for years. Even when this whole UN thing blows over she’ll probably be doing the ace thing for some cause or other. She’s that kind of girl. And she’ll do the good she does because of one thing, and it wasn’t because she helped the joker gods of Egypt.
Nope, the big thing she did was be on American Hero. Most of America knows who she is now. She and Drummer Boy and Rustbelt and Bubbles are important because they were on American Hero. If it wasn’t for the program, they would never have gotten together to go to Egypt. Even if they had gone to Egypt on their own, they would have been ground up piecemeal by the Caliph’s forces. We taught them teamwork. We taught them how to really use their powers.
So do I think Kate should have been the American Hero? She wasn’t any of our first pick. I liked Brave Hawk, but the man is an asshole. He was always trying to stir things up and always by saying “Me too.” I don’t think he ever had an original thought.
Topper was all over the place. As long as the contestant was female, our girl Topper liked them. I sat through so many tirades about how Curveball or Rosa or Bubbles or Earth Witch or Simoon, or Dragon Huntress -- or Gardener, for Christ sake -- was the obvious winner, I’m glad a guy won – even if it is an arrogant dipstick like Stuntman.
Hammer liked Jade Blossom. I can’t fault that; the girl had potential. She never knew how to use it, though. Seems like the best thing she did was anchor a fire hose. There’s so much more she could have done with her powers, but they never seemed to occur to her.
I think maybe Stuntman won because the viewers liked watching him get munched up. He sure provided a lot of blood and bone for the ghouls, even if we did clean up a lot of it in post-production. I hear the producers are happy to have Stuntman as winner because they can put out a Stuntman DVD with all of the damage he took in unexpurgated color. Ain’t technology grand?
Probably the most inventive user of power was the Candle. You could tell he put a lot of thought into what he could do with his firepower. He’s a nice guy; finished a lot better than most nice guys. Bad luck we put him on the Black team.
And then there were the not-so-nice guys. Generally there’s room for one bad boy, as long as he’s redeemable. That one came down to a dogfight between Drummer Boy and Stuntman. The real bastards were Spasm and Joe Twitch. Thinking about it, I don’t think either one ever got laid the entire show. Even Cleo and some of the more desperate PAs weren’t interested.
On the other hand, every woman in the show, in front and behind the camera had a reason to hate Wild Fox, and I understand he had to keep a “Who’s stayin’ over tonight” schedule on his PDA. The wonders of illusion, eh? You know, if his illusions had just been visible to the camera, he probably would have gone a lot further. He’s amazing.
Rev Wintergreen is a professional nice guy, of course. He’s only a so-so ace but quite an organizer. I’m glad he made it out of Egypt. I just hope the UN doesn’t get him killed.
But who should have been the American Hero? Are you really asking me? We judges didn’t have much to say about this contest. We chose the teams, with a LOT of help from the PR folk. We figured out what team won, but there was never a real debate. One team was always clearly superior.
And the teams figured out who got voted off – we had nothing to do with that. We were mostly there to supervise them. More like housemothers than judges. When it got down to the finals, it was the great American people who voted. We just counted the votes.
Okay, a bunch of PAs counted the votes, but we supervised.
How did we set up the teams? It had a lot more to do with image than compatibility, let me tell you. Each team had a flyer of some sort, but each one had to have at least two hot babes. Each had a really weird one, like Toad Man, or Dragon Huntress, or Matroshkya, or Drummer Boy. Each had a heavy hitter, like Earth Witch or Bubbles or Rustbelt or Jade Blossom. And then we filled out the teams with exotic powers like Twitch or Candle or Cleo or Gardener or Hive. Some of them came out just right; some never lived up to their potential as we saw it. We learned a lot this time around.
Oh yeah, and of course we spread the minorities out amongst the teams. Except for Stuntman’s little gambit, this never much came up, actually. Probably just as well.
I would have liked Jetman to win. It would have been appropriate somehow. But no one respects the gadgeteers. I’m also surprised how long he lasted, all things considered. Bubbles would have been a good one, too. That girl is a real ace. She has all the right motivations and she knows how to use her powers. But keeping her supermodel past life a secret and being gay was a one-two punch. American doesn’t like secretive heroes. At least they don’t like secrets they don’t know every detail of.
Brave Hawk looks like a hero, but I’ve already talked about him.
Rustbelt would have been good. If Stuntman hadn’t sabotaged him, he might have gone far. So he went to Egypt instead.
Egypt. You know, I really wonder who decided to bring those bastards into the Hague just when they did. Curveball? Johnny Fortune? Maybe Drummer Boy? Or Jonathan Hive?
It was no coincidence they did it when they did. They knew what time it was, they knew what was going on. So all the also-rans decided to get in a little dig at the show that brought them together and showed them how to be a team.
You know, this whole Justice Society of theirs is going to fall apart as soon as everyone takes a deep breath and looks around for something a whole gang of aces need to do. Not likely to find anything. The Astronomer is dead. There are no alien spaceships, or spores, in the sky, and the Rox is just Ellis Island again. That’s why aces get together, into one hand, you might say. There’s no need for a bunch of aces to just sit around and tell each other how great they are. The whole cluster[bleep] gang, will dissolve into a mob and go running off to the four corners of the world in no time.
So who’s my personal pick for American Hero? Which contestant on the show should have gotten the title? Like I said, I’m just a judge. I don’t have any real say. But my vote goes to someone who got booted the first time out.
Jonathan Hive is the real American hero. He took on a sure-sudden-death and used the power of the press to turn the situation around. That’s the American way, for my money. He just used the fact he got dealt an ace to get into position to be a hero. He didn’t need to turn into wasps. He just needed ten working fingers.
So now the show has been picked up for another season, and I’m told the Powers That Be like my “acerbic wit,” so I’ll be back to bring my style of reality to the proceedings. I’m looking forward to it. By the time we’re into next year’s finals, the Committee will be yesterday’s old news.