A Judge’s Verdict : Thomas “Digger” Downs

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A Judge’s Verdict : Thomas “Digger” Downs

So now Stuntman is the first American Hero. Hurrah, mate.

Here’s the real dirt from your old pal, Digger.

I didn’t see that coming. Even at the last I was thinking Rosa had it, but there’s no predicting the fancies of the American voting public.

If Curveball had stuck with it, she would have been a shoo-in. She had it all. Looks, a really useful power, a ‘good girl’ personality that projected itself on screen; it was all there. But she left to play hero in Egypt instead. Too bad.

Kate will be one of the big aces. One of the ones you hear about for years. Even when this whole UN thing blows over she’ll probably be doing the ace thing for some cause or other. She’s that kind of girl. And she’ll do the good she does because of one thing, and it wasn’t because she helped the joker gods of Egypt.

Nope, the big thing she did was be on American Hero. Most of America knows who she is now. She and Drummer Boy and Rustbelt and Bubbles are important because they were on American Hero. If it wasn’t for the program, they would never have gotten together to go to Egypt. Even if they had gone to Egypt on their own, they would have been ground up piecemeal by the Caliph’s forces. We taught them teamwork. We taught them how to really use their powers.

So do I think Kate should have been the American Hero? She wasn’t any of our first pick. I liked Brave Hawk, but the man is an asshole. He was always trying to stir things up and always by saying “Me too.” I don’t think he ever had an original thought.

Topper was all over the place. As long as the contestant was female, our girl Topper liked them. I sat through so many tirades about how Curveball or Rosa or Bubbles or Earth Witch or Simoon, or Dragon Huntress -- or Gardener, for Christ sake -- was the obvious winner, I’m glad a guy won – even if it is an arrogant dipstick like Stuntman.

Hammer liked Jade Blossom. I can’t fault that; the girl had potential. She never knew how to use it, though. Seems like the best thing she did was anchor a fire hose. There’s so much more she could have done with her powers, but they never seemed to occur to her.

I think maybe Stuntman won because the viewers liked watching him get munched up. He sure provided a lot of blood and bone for the ghouls, even if we did clean up a lot of it in post-production. I hear the producers are happy to have Stuntman as winner because they can put out a Stuntman DVD with all of the damage he took in unexpurgated color. Ain’t technology grand?

Probably the most inventive user of power was the Candle. You could tell he put a lot of thought into what he could do with his firepower. He’s a nice guy; finished a lot better than most nice guys. Bad luck we put him on the Black team.

And then there were the not-so-nice guys. Generally there’s room for one bad boy, as long as he’s redeemable. That one came down to a dogfight between Drummer Boy and Stuntman. The real bastards were Spasm and Joe Twitch. Thinking about it, I don’t think either one ever got laid the entire show. Even Cleo and some of the more desperate PAs weren’t interested.

On the other hand, every woman in the show, in front and behind the camera had a reason to hate Wild Fox, and I understand he had to keep a “Who’s stayin’ over tonight” schedule on his PDA. The wonders of illusion, eh? You know, if his illusions had just been visible to the camera, he probably would have gone a lot further. He’s amazing.

Rev Wintergreen is a professional nice guy, of course. He’s only a so-so ace but quite an organizer. I’m glad he made it out of Egypt. I just hope the UN doesn’t get him killed.

But who should have been the American Hero? Are you really asking me? We judges didn’t have much to say about this contest. We chose the teams, with a LOT of help from the PR folk. We figured out what team won, but there was never a real debate. One team was always clearly superior.

And the teams figured out who got voted off – we had nothing to do with that. We were mostly there to supervise them. More like housemothers than judges. When it got down to the finals, it was the great American people who voted. We just counted the votes.

Okay, a bunch of PAs counted the votes, but we supervised.

How did we set up the teams? It had a lot more to do with image than compatibility, let me tell you. Each team had a flyer of some sort, but each one had to have at least two hot babes. Each had a really weird one, like Toad Man, or Dragon Huntress, or Matroshkya, or Drummer Boy. Each had a heavy hitter, like Earth Witch or Bubbles or Rustbelt or Jade Blossom. And then we filled out the teams with exotic powers like Twitch or Candle or Cleo or Gardener or Hive. Some of them came out just right; some never lived up to their potential as we saw it. We learned a lot this time around.

Oh yeah, and of course we spread the minorities out amongst the teams. Except for Stuntman’s little gambit, this never much came up, actually. Probably just as well.

I would have liked Jetman to win. It would have been appropriate somehow. But no one respects the gadgeteers. I’m also surprised how long he lasted, all things considered. Bubbles would have been a good one, too. That girl is a real ace. She has all the right motivations and she knows how to use her powers. But keeping her supermodel past life a secret and being gay was a one-two punch. American doesn’t like secretive heroes. At least they don’t like secrets they don’t know every detail of.

Brave Hawk looks like a hero, but I’ve already talked about him.

Rustbelt would have been good. If Stuntman hadn’t sabotaged him, he might have gone far. So he went to Egypt instead.

Egypt. You know, I really wonder who decided to bring those bastards into the Hague just when they did. Curveball? Johnny Fortune? Maybe Drummer Boy? Or Jonathan Hive?

It was no coincidence they did it when they did. They knew what time it was, they knew what was going on. So all the also-rans decided to get in a little dig at the show that brought them together and showed them how to be a team.

You know, this whole Justice Society of theirs is going to fall apart as soon as everyone takes a deep breath and looks around for something a whole gang of aces need to do. Not likely to find anything. The Astronomer is dead. There are no alien spaceships, or spores, in the sky, and the Rox is just Ellis Island again. That’s why aces get together, into one hand, you might say. There’s no need for a bunch of aces to just sit around and tell each other how great they are. The whole cluster[bleep] gang, will dissolve into a mob and go running off to the four corners of the world in no time.

So who’s my personal pick for American Hero? Which contestant on the show should have gotten the title? Like I said, I’m just a judge. I don’t have any real say. But my vote goes to someone who got booted the first time out.

Jonathan Hive is the real American hero. He took on a sure-sudden-death and used the power of the press to turn the situation around. That’s the American way, for my money. He just used the fact he got dealt an ace to get into position to be a hero. He didn’t need to turn into wasps. He just needed ten working fingers.

So now the show has been picked up for another season, and I’m told the Powers That Be like my “acerbic wit,” so I’ll be back to bring my style of reality to the proceedings. I’m looking forward to it. By the time we’re into next year’s finals, the Committee will be yesterday’s old news.

Comments

[BookWyrm]

Hey, however long this 'Committee' lasts, it will still be a part of history. Maybe this will inspire future generations, maybe it won't. I'm not a precog, & I don't know any who are. Only time will tell.

As for a second season, I'll wait & see. When the announcement came over the news about that, a lot of people I know asked me if I was going to try out. I said no. Even watching the edited segments of this show, with all the in-fighting, arguements, & crap that happened, I would have lost my temper & hurt someone, casued some damage, & get thrown off. Not even a cool million is worth that.

But I wish the Committee all the luck in the world.

Meanwhile, is there any news about those who made it over to Egypt?

[TheRadish]

Hail to the great Digger Downs, a man with a nose for news!

We at the Radish want to thank you so much for inspiring us to become the number one yellow paper on the Internet surpassing the Aces e-mag last year. Your particular wit and skill have been our watchword for every issue. Our editors will tell writers: Have you destroyed a career? Do you have enough 5 headed joker babies? Have you figured out the secret ID and sex habits of KnuckleMan yet? Every office of the Radish has a lifesize poster of you to inspire our writers to meet and exceed your skills as a journalist.

So thank you Digger! We thank you, our readers thank you, and our stock owners thank you for your style and skill as a journalist have made us quite profitable.

[QueenOfSpades]

Well I for one have a lot of hope for the Committee.. even if its just a Camelot that people like Digger Downs will say were failures when Arthur/Fortuanato gets wiped out on the fields of Camlann (hey mom has us taking this Myths, Religions and Beliefs stuff at church I should use it.)

If there is one thing Uncle Eddie showed us, I would rather go out like Arthur, than be a constant defeatist who just tears people down. I know that if Eddie is alive (which Emily says is true), he would want to join the Committee. I want to join it.. because well someone has to help.. even if it looks impossible.

Anyway.. Mom says its time for lunch and get off the computer. Tomorrow is my favorite judge, Harlem Hammer..

[Catalhoyuk]

We're sorry for the cutoff. We finally managed to find a safe place in this city, but we have no idea how long it will last.

We touched down in Al Junaynah in the western part of Darfur yesterday to refuel, get some more supplies, and find out what was going on in Egypt. Then we heard the stampede. The Janjaweed Ace we'd been told about had found us. His horsemen descended upon the city and killed everyone caught out on the streets. He doesn't seem to care who he kills -- Aces, Jokers, Christians, Muslims, whatever, they're all fodder. According to a native who we rescued, this guy's calling himself The Divine Horseman (doesn't translate well, I know) and considers the city itself unclean for harboring Jokers, who are abominations before Allah. He's pulling a one-man Sodom and Gomorrah.

We've lost some good men and women. Apparently, the Horseman can only maintain a whole horde of horsemen for a brief period; right now, he's relying on maybe five for scouting purposes, and if anyone gets spotted, he sends his whole horde out onto the streets. Our guy with the binocular vision hasn't seem him hiding out in the desert, which leads us to think he's among the horsemen, but we don't have anyone who can tell which of them is the real one; each one seems to mimic the original Horseman PERFECTLY, right down to breathing, sweating, etc. They're not flesh-and-blood, though; one of our number managed to blast a few of them into nothingness with some fire before...

I'm sorry. I don't want to remember that. We're hiding mostly on the second and third floors of buildings. These horsemen apparently are one with the horses, which means they can't get through narrow or short entrances. Even if they were to make it up stairs, there are few places where they could go bounding across the rooftops in this city. We're running low on ammo, and as long as the real Horseman remains somewhere in the city, we're all at risk.

I think I know what I have to go do now. I have drawn much from cities; it is time that I give back. If Allah wills it, the Horseman is going down. And if not, then I will have words with Him myself.

[BlackBox]

Catalhoyuk,

I have not been able to get in touch with Radio Free A so I am guessing she is down.. I am in the hospital with a 28.8 line. Lost my legs, left arm, and some other bits I probably wasn't going to be using with the ladies anytime in the future anyway. The UN Committee is still in formation so they are probably not going to be able to help unless they can get a teleporter.

I have a long shot call.. there is a joker in Death Valley who can pull parts of his body off and they explode. He has been trying to get himself over there, but since he is like C-4 and nitro.. he might just explode when he gets there (or before.. teleportation is tricky). If things are getting desperate you want a hail mary, I think we can try it.. but expect it not to be pretty.

[MerlinsEye]

[This is transcribed by Arthur Lee for his great-grandfather.. his arthritis is too much these days to type. He got the virus in NYC when he was visiting during the initial outbreak. He can see the future in dreams .. sometimes.. but he has been having a nightmare this week and asked if I knew anything about it. I am posting what he told me.]

It is said that Her Majesties Silver Helix has a retinue of teleporters. Whether they will lend them to some UN or 'renegade' Ace group is another matter. My contacts with them went away when I retired in '82. Been living in the States with my grandson's family since then... not much to do since Alister Cooke died.

These last weeks, I have been having dreams of a foul beast "The Divine Horseman". In them he is getting help from some other Aces.. one could summon storms but he is no longer in the dreams. There is another who can open doors in the air and walk through them... I guess he is some sort of teleporter.. but dreams are so unreliable...

My dream guide says that he is near Al Junaynah, and that there are people being sent there from various regions. They were all poor and broken people that I guess are undesirable and would not be missed. However in the dream I saw some soldiers who were bound and gagged.. they were to be dragged through the streets by the horsemen.

[Anyway thats what great grand-dad told me.. I have altered it a bit since I can't write his accent.. sounds like some fellow off of PBS all the time. ]

[Thomas]

Wasn't the "Brownsville Barbarian" holding the leadership of Sudan hostage yesterday and threatening to do bad things unless the horseman surrendered?

I guess the Divine Huntsman's an independent agent, huh?

[WileyKoyote]

Hell of a show... both on the TV and here in the blog. You can bet I'll tune in next season for more of the same ... assuming I'm not on it.

Poor Cobalt. Hell of a way to treat a freaking luchador. Now I'll never get to meet him.

Ah well. I'm going to go do something spectacularly stupid yet amusing to cheer myself up. Avoid Albequerque if you're allergic to soap bubbles...

[BookWyrm]

Thanks, Wiley.

Well, at least there's one small ray of light in this--the cops arrested one of the a-holes that have been joker- and non-white-bashing in my area. Turns out he got drunk one night & started shooting his mouth off at his local bar. Big mistake--the bartender's niece's card had just turned (I didn't find out what) & he took offense. After 'correcting' the guy, he tossed him to the cops. The guy's already wanted for alimony evasion :lol: so he's going away for a while. From what I heard, he spilled the beans about his buddies & the cops are tracking them down.
The clincher is: he's the guy I saved Granny Prune from, the one who wet his pants when he saw me (in my 'other skin'). His picture was all over the local news.
My folks couldn't understand why I was laughing so hard when the news broke. I guess with all that's been happening, I needed some kind of release.

Anyway, here's hoping Harlem Hammer's Verdict is kinder than Downs'.

[Radio Free Alicia]

BlackBox, this is Radio Free Alicia. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to the meat, but that's not exactly our most pressing issue right now. The Divine Horseman (and is it just me, or do a lot of foreign Aces have names that sound, well, boring when translated into English?) has found a way to get his horsemen onto the rooftops of the city; while he can't get into most of the buildings, we've had to pull people out of their shelters and get them to new safe ground.

We don't have much time left. We're starting our offensive at 1800 GST, when the Horseman shows a tendency to keep his numbers low. If anyone can get in that time, then do it. We need all the help we can get.

[BlackBox]

DeathValley found a teleporter and got sent over.. no idea if the town is now dust, or what. The teleporter is a one way type, but she sent some other guys over later.. I heard that a good many of California's Joker Veterens of Foreign Wars are headed out to Death Valley right now... a quarter to protest, half to drink beer, and some to go over. Either way, hopefully they will be useful.

Thomas, I think you are confusing what the "Brownsville Barbarian" said he would do if got over there. Its been playing all over the news. I think the guy is running for office or something.

My morphine drip is calling.. good luck.

[BlackBox]

Drip good.. brain bad. I got BrownsVille Barbarian mixed up with some guy looking like the terminator on TV here..

[QueenOfSpace]

I was wondering about a quote that Digger Downs was saying about the Justice Society.. Harry went through Uncle Eddie's comic collection (he bought several tons of comics at auction once... Mom was not pleased), and found that the Justice Society was mentioned in All Star Comics about a bunch of heroes who joined together to fight evil. Doing some googling, I found that a lot of psychologists have pointed out that hero groups like this don't exist and when they don't stick together. But then I look at the fact that Mom's Red Cross group has been together for 30+ years going to disaester after disaester and I wonder if its just a bunch of phooey.

Seems to me that people keep pointing out that the 4 aces fell apart and so everything else has to fall apart too. Sort of that self-fullfilling crap.. everyone says we have to fail so we will. Well we don't! So [bleep]ing what that JetBoy didn't stop the virus.. he stopped a lot of other things that would have made World War II a lot worse. So what that the 4 Aces fell apart.. they saved a lot of people and they caught a lot of people who would have never gone to trial for killing children and worse. People just seem to want to see the bad stuff and say "oh no we can't do anything because we all are going to be like that."

Well get over it world. If I went through life thinking that I might as well pop myself... because well I have a 99% chance of dieing any moment from the virus coursing in my veins. I hope this Committee will stand, and if it doesn't some other one will... maybe not all laughing and smiling like Eddie's comics but will do some good and make the world a better place for people who are stomped on.

Well its late and I should have been in bed a while back.
Charlie